It's Not How—It's Who

Most of us are constantly looking for ways that we can have a better marriage. 

We read stacks of books on how to have a better marriage, we go to marriage seminars, or we listen to tapes on marriage.. all in an effort to learn the right methods on how to get the kind of marriage that we want.

It brings to mind book titles such as, "Getting The Love That You Want."

No...   It's just not about that. 

Having that "What's in it for me" perspective on marriage is entirely self-serving. And we wonder, "Why is the divorce rate in this country now approaching 60%?"

Because we have missed the point.

It's not about learning helpful  tips or the latest "proven methods" on how to have a better marriage. 

It's about who we pledged our heart and undying love to, promising to love, honor and cherish them, until death do us part.  It's all about relationship.   It's about desiring a deep, abiding, relational intimacy with our bride or groom, more than desiring the mere benefits of the honeymoon.

Most married people spend a lot of energy trying to please their spouse.  But, even if we realize it,  rarely will we admit that we are only doing so to try and 'get the love that we want.'   It's self-focused.  We have a selfish agenda.  That is certainly not demonstrating our unconditional love for our spouse.   It's conditional.

Most of us are, more often than not, seeking the benefits of marriage as in having our personal needs met, rather than simply having a deep heart-felt desire to know and love our spouse more deeply and just be with that person. 

For those who follow Christ, this can expose a startling parallel in our relationship with our Bridegroom, Jesus.

Are we merely seeking the blessings that we think come from doing all the right things that Christians are supposed to do? Or are we desperately seeking to draw near to Him, spending intimate spiritual time with Him, and experiencing His presence? 

It's like Martha was busy ministering for Jesus by scurrying about the kitchen, worried about many things, preparing a meal.   But her sister Mary chose to sit at Jesus' feet, listening to Him, spending time with Him in spiritual intimacy because of their relationship. (See Luke 10:38-41) 

True intimacy that comes from relationship... That's what love is.

Likewise, in our marriage to our spouse, if all we are looking for are ways to 'get the love that we want' from them, then our life will only be filled with vain, unrealistic, and un-met expectations on what they need to do and be for us.  And the relationship will be reduced to being a (so-called) 'love' built on performance, and we will never be satisfied.  And our poor spouse will be left feeling that no matter what they do, they can never be good enough to please or satisfy us. 

This is why marriages fail today at an epidemic rate.

It's because of our selfishness.

So, in your marriage to your wife or husband, and especially in your marriage with the Lord if you are a follower of Christ;desire and pursue a deeper and more intimate relationship that comes from spending time with them face-to-face. 

The true blessing is from the intimacy of relationship... not in trying to get the love that you want by adhering to some list of marriage rules or  'how to' methods.

It's not how... it's Who.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.