Break The Cycle

In his book "Love and Respect" author Emerson Eggerichs writes about what he calls "The Crazy Cycle" which is stated as:

"Without respect, he reacts without love. And without love, she reacts without respect."

When a man feels disrespected by his wife, he may feel that her criticism of him communicates that she devalues him as a man—that she does not believe in him. So his reaction to her may often be to react in an unloving way and get defensive and say something in anger. 

This in turn may cause her to react in an even more disrespectful way and criticize him for not being understanding and loving her more—which is her greatest need.  And so the "crazy cycle" continues, and most people simply feel powerless to stop it.   We really don't know what to do. 

Men typically want to retreat and avoid further conflict, because we don't want to get angry and say something that we really don't mean and will only regret later. Or we don't want to stand there and be criticized and disrespected one moment longer.  But when we retreat our wives may feel that we are giving them the silent treatment because we don't love them enough, or care enough to want to listen to them talk about their feelings and their concern over the condition of the relationship.

Sadly, the "crazy cycle" can continue... for days, months or even years.  And divorce is far too often the unfortunate result.

Generally speaking, a man's greatest need is to be respected, and a woman's greatest need is to be loved.  That doesn't mean that men don't need to be loved because all human beings have a deep innate need to be loved.  And it doesn't mean that women don't need to be respected.  Being disrespectful to your wife is unloving, and being unloving to your husband is not respectful. Love and respect: the two are synonymous. 

This all goes back to how men and women perceive and decode each other's messages from their own completely different perspective; she through her "pink hearing aid" and "pink sunglasses" and he through his "blue hearing aid" and "blue sunglasses." It's a wonder sometimes that we can communicate at all. 

When she 'criticizes' him and says he needs to spend more time with her and listen to her talk about her day, she is really telling him, "I need you to love me more."  She is not de-valuing him as a man.  She needs to be loved and understood more.  

As husbands, we need to 'lead in love' and seek to hear our wives speak from their hearts, and listen to them with the intent to understand them more.  Getting defensive when they need to bear their hearts to us is not being loving.  We need to lead by example and stop the "crazy cycle" by loving our wives unconditionally. Part of being a loving, mature husband is understanding that when your wife sounds like she is nagging you or criticizing you as a husband, that what she really needs is more love and understanding.  She is crying out to you to love her more.  You must choose to take the high road and take what may feel like a bullet and bear the criticism with the intent of loving her, understanding her more deeply and wanting to hear her heart.

And when a husband will choose to love his wife unconditionally this way, he will discover that she will react in a way that shows him respect as her husband. This is how men typically feel most loved—when their wives respect them in a way that says "I believe in you as a man and as my husband."

We can break the "crazy cycle" but we must choose to love and respect our spouses.  A husband is to love his wife unconditionally. And a wife is to respect her husband unconditionally. You don't feel that you should have to earn your husband's love, and he should not have to earn your respect. 

As Paul writes to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:33,

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

If husbands and wives are both doing their part unconditionally to love and respect their spouses, the "crazy cycle" will stop. 

But this is a choice that we each have to decide to make.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.