What is the answer?

What is the answer to the many problems facing married couples today?

First, we have to ask, "Why is it so difficult for husbands and wives to communicate at times?"

One of the books that I read recently on marriage has greatly impacted my life:  "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich.

I heard someone on the radio one day say the following, which is perhaps the defining statement from the book, "Love and Respect" -

"Without love a woman reacts without respect. And without respect a man reacts without love."  

Wow... I had never heard anything quite like this before.  It's like a circle.  Love and respect are synonymous--you can't separate the two.  Each can either help... or hinder the other greatly.

In "Love and Respect" Eggerichs tells us just how differently men and women communicate, decipher or 'decode' each others messages.  We men "see through blue sunglasses and hear with blue hearing aids" while women "see through pink sunglasses and hear with pink hearing aids."

What does that mean?

For example, when I used to hear my wife vocalize her feelings and concerns about something in our marriage, I deciphered her words as saying that nothing I did was good enough for her.  I thought she was nagging me.  But in reality, she just wanted to talk about her feelings.  She was basically saying, 'I just need you to love me more!'

Through my 'blue hearing aid' I was deciphering her 'pink' message to be a criticism of me.  But I was not hearing her heart.  I was not decoding her message to mean she just 'wanted me to love her more.'  Why didn't she just say that? 

It is because men and women are wired so differently.

Men and women speak, communicate and interpret in their own unique code.  The problem is, no one ever taught me that earlier in life.  It's no wonder that over half of all marriages in America end in divorce every year.

My strong personal conviction is that if people struggling in their marriages would read Eggerichs' "Love and Respect" and then do everything that it says in that book, that the overwhelming majority of marriages that are heading for divorce could be saved. I truly believe it is one of the best books ever written on marriage.

Note:  Love and Respect is written by a Christian author and is based on biblical principles.  And although people who are not Christian can still benefit from this book if they read and apply what is taught in it, I believe that it is people who are followers of Jesus Christ--who place their faith and trust in Him and in His Word who will experience a true change, restoration and healing in their marriages.

Actually, I know they will because I have talked to several people who have read the book together or have gone through small group courses on Love and Respect and they have experienced a break through in their marriages. 

One of the key biblical passages this book expounds on is from Ephesians chapter 5, verses 25-32:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰for we are members of his body. ³¹"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

For followers of Jesus Christ, this is a commandment, not merely a suggestion.  And it's all about love.  

Jesus said,

'If a man loves Me, he will keep My commandments.' (John 14:21).

If you are a follower of Jesus and you are struggling in your marriage, and if you may be contemplating divorce, pray that God will touch your heart with the words in these bible passages.

And if you are not a follower of Christ, ask Him to reveal Himself to you.  Jesus said, (Matt 11:28)

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.