It's Not How—It's Who

Most of us are constantly looking for ways that we can have a better marriage. 

We read stacks of books on how to have a better marriage, we go to marriage seminars, or we listen to tapes on marriage.. all in an effort to learn the right methods on how to get the kind of marriage that we want.

It brings to mind book titles such as, "Getting The Love That You Want."

No...   It's just not about that. 

Having that "What's in it for me" perspective on marriage is entirely self-serving. And we wonder, "Why is the divorce rate in this country now approaching 60%?"

Because we have missed the point.

It's not about learning helpful  tips or the latest "proven methods" on how to have a better marriage. 

It's about who we pledged our heart and undying love to, promising to love, honor and cherish them, until death do us part.  It's all about relationship.   It's about desiring a deep, abiding, relational intimacy with our bride or groom, more than desiring the mere benefits of the honeymoon.

Most married people spend a lot of energy trying to please their spouse.  But, even if we realize it,  rarely will we admit that we are only doing so to try and 'get the love that we want.'   It's self-focused.  We have a selfish agenda.  That is certainly not demonstrating our unconditional love for our spouse.   It's conditional.

Most of us are, more often than not, seeking the benefits of marriage as in having our personal needs met, rather than simply having a deep heart-felt desire to know and love our spouse more deeply and just be with that person. 

For those who follow Christ, this can expose a startling parallel in our relationship with our Bridegroom, Jesus.

Are we merely seeking the blessings that we think come from doing all the right things that Christians are supposed to do? Or are we desperately seeking to draw near to Him, spending intimate spiritual time with Him, and experiencing His presence? 

It's like Martha was busy ministering for Jesus by scurrying about the kitchen, worried about many things, preparing a meal.   But her sister Mary chose to sit at Jesus' feet, listening to Him, spending time with Him in spiritual intimacy because of their relationship. (See Luke 10:38-41) 

True intimacy that comes from relationship... That's what love is.

Likewise, in our marriage to our spouse, if all we are looking for are ways to 'get the love that we want' from them, then our life will only be filled with vain, unrealistic, and un-met expectations on what they need to do and be for us.  And the relationship will be reduced to being a (so-called) 'love' built on performance, and we will never be satisfied.  And our poor spouse will be left feeling that no matter what they do, they can never be good enough to please or satisfy us. 

This is why marriages fail today at an epidemic rate.

It's because of our selfishness.

So, in your marriage to your wife or husband, and especially in your marriage with the Lord if you are a follower of Christ;desire and pursue a deeper and more intimate relationship that comes from spending time with them face-to-face. 

The true blessing is from the intimacy of relationship... not in trying to get the love that you want by adhering to some list of marriage rules or  'how to' methods.

It's not how... it's Who.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Learning To Walk

  Photo (c)Mark Faulkner 2010 

There are no shortages of things in this life that can cause us to stumble.

However, our greatest foe is us—when we decide to make poor choices in our walk.

For all those who are followers of Christ, as a dear friend recently reminded me, we are commanded to, "Walk in the newness of life" (see Romans 6:4).

Much of my struggle is what I tend to choose in my attitudes, actions and words. And no one but me makes me choose poorly.

Our human nature is to usually try to assign blame to someone or something else; "the devil made me do it" or, we blame other people, our surroundings, or our upbringing. It's always easier to try and find a scapegoat than to acknowledge personal responsibility for our faults and poor choices.

So why do we do it?

Perhaps the greatest mystery for me in the Christian experience is that of having a dual nature.

We still reside in a body of flesh, with all of its corrupt thoughts and tendencies. This is referred to as the "old man." And for those who are born again, our regenerated spirit is called the "new man." This is our new spiritual nature, enabled by the renewing power of the Spirit of God. The question is...which man are you feeding? The old corrupt man of the flesh? Or the new regenerated man of the spirit?

Here's the rub: we still have free will.

We always have a choice—in what we say and what we do. We cannot control the actions of others, but we can control how we choose to respond.

Here is a bible passage (1 Corinthians 10:13) that personally convicts me:

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

We are solely responsible for our response.

The greatest battlefield is in the mind.

The Apostle James writes:

"Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death."

Lust is desiring or coveting that which we do not have, or cannot have. (See James 4:2)

And lust is conceived in our thoughts. We see something that may appear to us in the moment to be better than what we already have, or we think it would be pleasurable to think about or fantasize about. And this comes from a lack of contentment.

So, knowing that lust is conceived in our thoughts—we "walk in the newness of life" by first taking every impure thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (see 2 Corinthians 10:4-5):

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ."

As my friend reminded me, we have to choose daily to walk in the newness of life by taking every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

And it is our choice.

The Apostle Paul writes (see Romans 12:1-2):

"I beseech you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

We must take every thought into captivity to the obedience of Jesus Christ and acknowledge that our fleshly thoughts are corrupt and need to be changed. True transformation comes by confessing that we are wrong in our thinking and that we need to have our minds renewed according to God's Word.

The biblical word repentance literally means to, "Change your mind and think differently afterwards."

If we set our minds on earthly, sensual or material things--lusting over what we do not have or cannot have, we are not walking in the newness of life. And we are not proving or demonstrating God's good, acceptable and perfect will for our lives.

Psalm 119:105 declares:

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light unto my path."

The way we learn to walk in the newness of life is to set our minds daily on what God's Word says, and then choose to walk accordingly—taking every thought into captivity to the obedience of Jesus Christ.

It's choice we have to make every day, moment by moment.


—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Don't Give Up

Photo ©Mark Faulkner 2010

Feel like giving up?

Please don't.

Because, if you are reading this, that is living proof that even though you have gone through some dark valleys, painful suffering and difficult seasons, you are still here, able to read this message.  You survived! 

And whether you are willing to acknowledge it or not, God is the one who has delivered you through these tough times.

David the Psalmist really speaks to the longing in my heart today from the 23rd Psalm:

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
       He leads me beside quiet waters,
 He restores my soul.
       He guides me in paths of righteousness
       for His name's sake.
 Even though I walk
       through the valley of the shadow of death,
       I will fear no evil,
       for You are with me;
       Your rod and Your staff,
       they comfort me.
 You prepare a table before me
       in the presence of my enemies.
       You anoint my head with oil;
       my cup overflows.
 Surely goodness and love will follow me
       all the days of my life,
       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

For me, spending quiet times along a meandering river provides me much opportunity to reflect on my life and what God has done to restore my soul. 

The constant flow of a river is a picture of the constant flow of God's presence and blessing in my life.  And the fact is, that what is in the past is water under the bridge, and a never-ending supply of water continues to flow, bringing times of refreshing, and washing away yesterdays sorrows and failures.

My encouragement to you today as a follower of Christ, is that He has shown Himself to be faithful to you, and has brought you through the fire to this very day. He has given you strength, patience and endurance to weather the storms of this life. And the experience of the suffering He has brought you through, gives hope that you can make it through the storm you are currently enduring.

The Apostle Paul wrote:

"We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."  (Romans 5:3-5)

As followers of Christ, our hope is secure, because our hope is in Him and not in ourselves.  And our suffering is only temporary.  When we step into eternity this life will fade from view.  Our short time here on earth is but a blink of an eye compared to eternity.  So don't give up—look up!  When we focus on Christ instead of the storms of this life we will not sink in the waves of despair. 

One of the most encouraging passages from the Bible for me has been Romans 8:18:

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

Our light affliction is only for a moment.

Glory awaits.

Draw near to Jesus and hold on to Him.  He has brought you through until this very moment and will continue to do so.

Don't give up.


—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Today's A New Day

Dwelling on the past.

We all do it at times, and it can cause us and all those we love great distress. Dwelling on our past—our mistakes, failures and what other people have done to us; can and will hinder us from moving forward and having peace in our lives.

I love the old Serenity Prayer:

"God; grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Accepting the things that we cannot change.  That's half the battle.  And we cannot change the past.

But we can move on from the past. 

Wisdom is changing the things that we can change, and you can choose to forgive someone from your heart... if you are willing.

Just let it go. 

How can we do that? 

Try forgiveness. 

Contemplating the great need for forgiveness reminds me of the chorus in the song by Don Henley, "The Heart of the Matter."

"There are people in your life who've come and gone. They've let you down, you know they hurt your pride.  You better put it all behind you; 'cause life goes on, if you keep carrying around that anger it will eat you up inside. I've been trying to get back, to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about; forgiveness... forgiveness, even if, even if, you don't love me anymore."

Refusing to forgive someone who has hurt you is a self-inflicted prison of bitterness and resentment.  And when we refuse to forgive—it hurts us most.  We may think we are 'getting back' at him or her for what they did to us.  But we only succeed in making ourselves a prisoner of our own unforgiveness. 

Forgiving someone who has truly wronged you or hurt you is not saying that what they did to you was 'okay.'   It's not okay. 

What they did was wrong.

But choosing to forgive someone from your heart, is acknowledging that even though they may have truly wronged you; you are choosing to release them from the debt of your unforgiveness. And when you make that choice to release them from that debt—you are setting yourself free.  Free from the prison of a hardened heart.

You are now free to move on with your life, and not dwell on the past. Free from bitterness and resentment.  Free from unforgiveness.

Forgiveness.  That is the heart of the matter. 

If you truly want to have a heart that is healed and set free to love others—choose forgiveness.

—Be free.

Commitment

Throughout the ever-changing seasons of marriage, it is essential to remind ourselves that we made a commitment—to our spouse of course. But for those who are followers of Christ, we made a commitment and a covenant with God that our marriage is for life. It is a binding covenant or literally, a contract.

For many today however, although they made their vows at the wedding ceremony, promising to love, honor and cherish one another in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse.  

What they really meant, when the rubber meets the road, was it was only for richer, better and in good health.

Sadly, when the going gets tough... many people just go.

How can this be?

How can someone who made a solemn vow before God to love you and be your spouse until 'death do us part' now want to throw you out like yesterday's garbage and take you for everything you have?

It ought not to be.

Having personally caused and gone through years of the 'crazy cycle' that leads to divorce however, I am not without compassion.   Yes, God hates divorce.   But He still loves divorced people.  And I am thankful that He does.  I too went through a devastating divorce when I was just a young man. God will never stop loving us.

So, the question is not if God loves us or not.  Of course He does. 

The question today is, do we love God enough to keep the commitment we made in marriage—first with Him and with our spouse?

Commitment is not about legalism.  It's about love.   Jesus said:

"He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me." (John 14:21)

Jesus demonstrated His love and commitment for us by hanging on a cross.

We need to ask ourselves, do we truly love Him enough to hang in there and keep our commitment in our marriage during the difficult trials and storms of this life?

That's what it really all comes down to.

The great news is that when we make the choice to keep our commitment in the covenant of marriage, God will help us to love our spouse unconditionally, in His strength.  He will help us to change as we seek Him and ask Him to change us. We are not in this alone.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Stay The Course

Believe me, I know... staying the course in your marriage is not always easy. 

During most of the first half of the three decades my wife and I have been together, we felt like giving up more times than I can recall. In fact, we both did give up, several times.  But Someone kept bringing us back together—helping us to love and forgive one another. 

As my wife and I enjoyed our coffee together this morning, we reflected on how we have been through so many difficult trials, and endured times of hopelessness.  But what is truly overwhelming is that if we had not chosen to stay the course and surrendered our hearts to Christ and then allowed God to bring us back together and forgive each other, we would have missed out on the healing of our marriage and on so many wonderful things that He has done in our marriage since those very dark days.

We will be forever grateful!

So our encouragement to you today is to stay the course in your marriage, and call upon the only One who is truly able to save.  We tried for years to fix our marriage and we only made it worse.  We couldn't fix our marriage because we couldn't fix ourselves. 

There is a story in the gospels of Jesus meeting a Samaritan woman at a well.  Like our lives had been, this Samaritan woman's life had been a series of failed relationships.  But Jesus' purpose in their conversation was to get to the heart of the matter—which was to bring her into a spiritual relationship with Him. She spoke of water drawn from the well that can only quench one's thirst temporarily.  But Jesus spoke of a completely different kind of water:

^"Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:13-14)

Our marriage was failing miserably and dying, and we desperately needed this Living Water to flow into it and give us life.  But we had to choose to drink of it. And ever since we did, we have never thirsted again.  Sure, we still have struggles from time to time.  But we can never forget what God has done in our hearts and in our marriage.  It is tangible, it is real and we have experienced it first-hand.   No one can ever take that away from us.

Sometimes a marriage can dry up because of selfishness, when we stop loving loving our spouse and become totally self-absorbed.  When this happens one must cry out for the ever-present Living Water that Christ offers and drink deeply from Him as our source. 

Even if your marriage seems dead to you, at the scent of His Living Water, it will bud and flourish again.

"For there is hope for a tree, if it is cut down, that it will sprout again, and its tender shoots will not cease.  Though its root may grow old in the earth, and it's stump may die in the ground, yet, at the scent of water it will bud and bring forth branches like a plant."  (Job 14:7-9)

Drink deeply of His Living Water and experience the new life in your marriage that only Christ can bring. There is hope in Him.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

What Is Your Spouse's Love Language?

Photo (c)Mark Faulkner 2010

Do you know what your spouse's love language is?

What's a "love language?"   

I recommend that you check out the book, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. His website is located at:  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

In his book, Chapman identifies the five Love Languages as,

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Receiving gifts

4. Acts of service

5. Physical touch 

According to Chapman, a "Love Language" is "a primary way of expressing and interpreting love."

Some wives may feel most loved if they were to receive a gift of a dozen red roses from their husband.

But my wife, for instance, is not overly moved by receiving roses.  But being the recipient of words of affirmation, acts of service and spending quality time make her feel most loved.

I try to tell my wife every day specifically why I appreciate her and all that she does.  These words of affirmation make her feel very loved.  Acts of service such as making her breakfast, or making the yard look nice bless her socks off.  And spending quality time... date night is one of her favorite parts of the week.  For us, after being together for over 27 years, watching a romantic movie together at home is a huge blessing for her.

For me, being the recipient of physical touch, words of affirmation and spending quality time with my wife makes me feel the most loved.

We're all different.

We all want to love our spouses more, and be loved by them.  If you really want to bless your wife or husband, learn their love language by checking out this amazing resource by Gary Chapman.

It has been an amazing experience for us getting to know each other more deeply by exploring and learning each other's love languages.  Even after 27 years of being together--this has brought us closer than ever and we know how to love each other more in ways that each of us respond to.

Try it, they'll like it!

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

A Friend Loves At All Times

How do we navigate the storms of life in our marriage?

We all go through seasons where we feel distant from our mate. And it rarely, if ever make sense. Sometimes we are going through personal struggles, we are depressed, or are just plain tired. At times you may stand there scratching your head wondering, "why am I here?"

The truth is, we have to be reminded that we are all imperfect, weak and fallible human beings. We are prone to fail, stumble and make mistakes. We don't mean to but we let each other down and we hurt the ones we love. We're human.

One of the greatest challenges in any marriage is having unrealistic expectations of our mate and then dealing with our own hard heart when those expectations are unmet. A root of bitterness comes from resenting our wife or husband when they don't provide us with the love that we want. That root of bitterness, if left unchecked, will become a terminal cancer and can destroy a marriage faster than anything else. This all goes back to us basically being selfish. Are we being a giver or a taker in our marriage?

We all have needs. But true love esteems the needs of our mate above our own.

"A friend loves at all times..." (Proverbs 17:17).

Our spouse should be our best friend. We are to love our mate at all times... not just when we feel like it. Unconditional love loves the unlovable. Do you ever behave in a way that makes you unlovable? I do. In fact lately, I have been so wrapped up in my own problems and challenges that I have been moody, distant and frankly, some days, I'm having a major pity party. I wouldn't want to be around me. And it is because I have been selfish and self-focused.

 "What about me?"

Earlier this year, I had several friends who were experiencing some pretty major depression. After closely examining the issues that caused their depression, I had this statement implanted in my thoughts... "The root of all depression is an inordinate self-focus."

And that has been my problem lately—an inordinate self-focus. I have been depressed and have been depressing to be around. I have not been esteeming my wife's needs above my own. I need to get over me!

As discussed earlier this week, love is a verb—a demonstrated action, not just a feeling. And if I was truly acting like my wife's best friend, I would have been loving her at all times, not just when I felt like it. If my focus was not on my self, then I would have been focusing on her needs and would have been sensitive to what she is going through.

The best way to rid yourself of that depressing funk that comes from an inordinate self-focus is to take your mind off your self and your own circumstances, and turn your thoughts and attention first to your spouse, and then to those people around you who need your love, understanding and support.

Then, no matter how we feel, as we focus on others—esteeming their needs above our own needs, the joy of loving others unconditionally and serving them will lift the clouds of our self-focused caused depression, as we see them be blessed.

Jesus said:

"It is more blessed to give than to receive." (Acts 20:35)

A friend loves at all times—not just when we feel like it.

Let's put that kind of love into action today.


—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Children Are A Treasure

Fathers, it has been said, 'Love your children by loving their mother.'

For married people today who are constantly fighting and criticizing each other,  do you stop and think what this is doing to your children?  If you are contemplating divorce, do you realize what the immediate effects will be on your children?  Do you have any idea of what the long-term consequences will be for them?

Like I did, many people try to justify splitting up a family with young children involved by reasoning, "Oh, they are so young... they don't understand what's going on."

Yes they do.

How do you treat each other in front of your children?   Children are extremely sensitive and observant.  They pick up on everything... much more than we realize.  When daddy and mommy are fighting, it shatters their entire sense of well-being. How we treat each other in front of our children has a huge impact on them—both positive and negative. They will do what they see you doing.

Love your children by loving each other.


—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Love Never Fails

Photo (c)Mark Faulkner 2010

Love Never Fails.

For many people, sadly, that statement does not ring true. They 'fell out of love' with their spouse, or their spouse 'doesn't love them any more.'  But we err in this way of thinking when we define love as a feeling.

Love is a verb.  It expresses itself through action.   Feelings can ebb and flow like the tide. But true love never fails.

^"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Love is patient, love is kind. One of the saddest things that can happen in a marriage is after two people have been together for a few years, we tend to neglect to be courteous and kind to one another.  We take each other for granted.  For many, 'familiarity breeds contempt.' We resent our spouse because they fail to live up to our lofty expectations of them. We are not 'getting the love that we want.' This is because we are being completely selfish and self-focused.  We are being takers instead of givers.  When we first began courtship with our spouse we wanted to spend every possible moment with them.  We did and said the nicest things we could to please them.  We couldn't wait to be together.  When we were apart, thoughts of our significant other consumed our time. When we saw them again we had a romantic card or flowers for them.

Realizing that we are all a work in progress, we need to be patient with our spouse. One tends a rose garden patiently and nurtures, waters and cares for the precious flowers.  How much more should we nurture and care for our precious wife or husband! We should allow our spouse to be who they are without making them feel like they have to be forced to fit into the mold of our unrealistic expectations of them.

What may seem like small acts of kindness can have a huge impact on the recipient of our love.  Saying "I appreciate you and all that you do" will build up and edify your spouse. Serving your spouse a nice breakfast and coffee when they least expect it can work wonders for their sense of well being. You are demonstrating your love for them through actions of kindness.

Love is not self-seeking. Love seeks not it's own provision or fulfillment.  Love esteems the needs of the other person above our own needs. Love is long-suffering.  Love is not easily angered or provoked.  Love does not keep score of our spouses mistakes, nor do we delight in their mistakes.  Love does not say, "Ha!  I told you so!"

Love always protects the recipient of our love.  Love protects the honor and reputation of their mate when talking about their spouse with other people.  Love does not belittle their spouse in front of others to try to be humorous.  Love always trusts their spouse and thinks the best of them and does not focus on their spouses faults or short comings.

Love always has hope and perseveres through the difficult seasons of life.  When the tide of feelings ebb and flow, remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place, and realize that your mate is not defined by the imperfections of where they are in the process at any given moment, but ultimately on who they were created to be eternally.

My wife is truly a gift from God.  My world would be a dark and lonely place if she were gone.  I thank God for her each and every day, and I demonstrate my love to her through actions of kindness, patience, service, understanding, listening and with words of affirmation.  And like the precious garden of delight that she is to me, as I unselfishly tend to her needs, and nurture and water her heart with actions of love, she blooms and grows more and more into the flower of true beauty that God has made her to be.

Demonstrate God's unconditional love to your wife or husband today and watch how they bloom.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.



Break The Cycle

In his book "Love and Respect" author Emerson Eggerichs writes about what he calls "The Crazy Cycle" which is stated as:

"Without respect, he reacts without love. And without love, she reacts without respect."

When a man feels disrespected by his wife, he may feel that her criticism of him communicates that she devalues him as a man—that she does not believe in him. So his reaction to her may often be to react in an unloving way and get defensive and say something in anger. 

This in turn may cause her to react in an even more disrespectful way and criticize him for not being understanding and loving her more—which is her greatest need.  And so the "crazy cycle" continues, and most people simply feel powerless to stop it.   We really don't know what to do. 

Men typically want to retreat and avoid further conflict, because we don't want to get angry and say something that we really don't mean and will only regret later. Or we don't want to stand there and be criticized and disrespected one moment longer.  But when we retreat our wives may feel that we are giving them the silent treatment because we don't love them enough, or care enough to want to listen to them talk about their feelings and their concern over the condition of the relationship.

Sadly, the "crazy cycle" can continue... for days, months or even years.  And divorce is far too often the unfortunate result.

Generally speaking, a man's greatest need is to be respected, and a woman's greatest need is to be loved.  That doesn't mean that men don't need to be loved because all human beings have a deep innate need to be loved.  And it doesn't mean that women don't need to be respected.  Being disrespectful to your wife is unloving, and being unloving to your husband is not respectful. Love and respect: the two are synonymous. 

This all goes back to how men and women perceive and decode each other's messages from their own completely different perspective; she through her "pink hearing aid" and "pink sunglasses" and he through his "blue hearing aid" and "blue sunglasses." It's a wonder sometimes that we can communicate at all. 

When she 'criticizes' him and says he needs to spend more time with her and listen to her talk about her day, she is really telling him, "I need you to love me more."  She is not de-valuing him as a man.  She needs to be loved and understood more.  

As husbands, we need to 'lead in love' and seek to hear our wives speak from their hearts, and listen to them with the intent to understand them more.  Getting defensive when they need to bear their hearts to us is not being loving.  We need to lead by example and stop the "crazy cycle" by loving our wives unconditionally. Part of being a loving, mature husband is understanding that when your wife sounds like she is nagging you or criticizing you as a husband, that what she really needs is more love and understanding.  She is crying out to you to love her more.  You must choose to take the high road and take what may feel like a bullet and bear the criticism with the intent of loving her, understanding her more deeply and wanting to hear her heart.

And when a husband will choose to love his wife unconditionally this way, he will discover that she will react in a way that shows him respect as her husband. This is how men typically feel most loved—when their wives respect them in a way that says "I believe in you as a man and as my husband."

We can break the "crazy cycle" but we must choose to love and respect our spouses.  A husband is to love his wife unconditionally. And a wife is to respect her husband unconditionally. You don't feel that you should have to earn your husband's love, and he should not have to earn your respect. 

As Paul writes to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:33,

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

If husbands and wives are both doing their part unconditionally to love and respect their spouses, the "crazy cycle" will stop. 

But this is a choice that we each have to decide to make.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

What is the answer?

What is the answer to the many problems facing married couples today?

First, we have to ask, "Why is it so difficult for husbands and wives to communicate at times?"

One of the books that I read recently on marriage has greatly impacted my life:  "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich.

I heard someone on the radio one day say the following, which is perhaps the defining statement from the book, "Love and Respect" -

"Without love a woman reacts without respect. And without respect a man reacts without love."  

Wow... I had never heard anything quite like this before.  It's like a circle.  Love and respect are synonymous--you can't separate the two.  Each can either help... or hinder the other greatly.

In "Love and Respect" Eggerichs tells us just how differently men and women communicate, decipher or 'decode' each others messages.  We men "see through blue sunglasses and hear with blue hearing aids" while women "see through pink sunglasses and hear with pink hearing aids."

What does that mean?

For example, when I used to hear my wife vocalize her feelings and concerns about something in our marriage, I deciphered her words as saying that nothing I did was good enough for her.  I thought she was nagging me.  But in reality, she just wanted to talk about her feelings.  She was basically saying, 'I just need you to love me more!'

Through my 'blue hearing aid' I was deciphering her 'pink' message to be a criticism of me.  But I was not hearing her heart.  I was not decoding her message to mean she just 'wanted me to love her more.'  Why didn't she just say that? 

It is because men and women are wired so differently.

Men and women speak, communicate and interpret in their own unique code.  The problem is, no one ever taught me that earlier in life.  It's no wonder that over half of all marriages in America end in divorce every year.

My strong personal conviction is that if people struggling in their marriages would read Eggerichs' "Love and Respect" and then do everything that it says in that book, that the overwhelming majority of marriages that are heading for divorce could be saved. I truly believe it is one of the best books ever written on marriage.

Note:  Love and Respect is written by a Christian author and is based on biblical principles.  And although people who are not Christian can still benefit from this book if they read and apply what is taught in it, I believe that it is people who are followers of Jesus Christ--who place their faith and trust in Him and in His Word who will experience a true change, restoration and healing in their marriages.

Actually, I know they will because I have talked to several people who have read the book together or have gone through small group courses on Love and Respect and they have experienced a break through in their marriages. 

One of the key biblical passages this book expounds on is from Ephesians chapter 5, verses 25-32:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰for we are members of his body. ³¹"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

For followers of Jesus Christ, this is a commandment, not merely a suggestion.  And it's all about love.  

Jesus said,

'If a man loves Me, he will keep My commandments.' (John 14:21).

If you are a follower of Jesus and you are struggling in your marriage, and if you may be contemplating divorce, pray that God will touch your heart with the words in these bible passages.

And if you are not a follower of Christ, ask Him to reveal Himself to you.  Jesus said, (Matt 11:28)

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.