Out of the Mouth Defilement Comes

"If you don't have something good to say about someone, don't say anything at all."

My mom and dad used to say this to us a lot when we were kids, though, my dad said it much more sternly, as in: "If you don't have anything good to say, then keep your mouth shut!" 

For as much as I used to hear this as a kid, I must have really needed to hear it. 

Still do sometimes, sad to say.

What is it about our human nature that makes it so easy, so desirable, to talk trash about another person?

I don't want to be that man anymore.

The writer of the book of Hebrews said it this way:

"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled..."  (Heb 12:14-16)

When we barf out our bitterness and criticize or trash talk another person, all those around us, with whom we felt it absolutely necessary to tell and "confide in", become defiled by the puke that spews out of our mouths.  

From the bitter criticism and complaining that pours out of our mouth—many are defiled.  The word defiled literally means: "To sully or taint, that is, contaminate; (ceremonially or morally)."   It's like verbally vomiting on someone.  

Where does such disgusting, contaminating bitterness originate?

Jesus said:

"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."  (Luke 6:45-46)

There it is. 

Whenever I allow myself to become critical of someone else, and that bitter, critical spirit gets down into my heart, my human nature has this sick need to want to "share my feelings" about that person with others.  It's like, we need to make our friends 'partners' in our critical disapproval of the other person. 

Misery loves company.

It's awful.   And it defiles—it contaminates—all those with whom we feel that we must "share our feelings."

And, have you ever noticed when someone you're with feels the need to spew out their criticism of someone else to you, just how easy it is to get caught up in the same kind of bitter talk?   It's uncanny.   Why on earth do we do this?

The Bible says life and death are in the power of the tongue.  The apostle James refers to this fiery little member in our mouths as the Untameable Tongue.

"For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a complete man, able also to bridle the whole body.  Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!  And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison."  (James 3:2-8)

Very strong language.  But spot-on.

Jesus taught that it's what comes out of a man's mouth that defiles him—not by what we eat or drink.  And what comes out of my mouth springs forth from the abundance of what's in my heart.  We're known by our fruit.

So, what's been coming out of your mouth lately about others?  Cursing?  Or blessing?

Prior to becoming king himself, David refused to harm or condemn the reigning king, Saul, because, even though Saul's deeds were evil, he was still God's anointed king: 

"Look, this day your eyes have seen that the LORD delivered you today into my hand in the cave, and someone urged me to kill you. But my eye spared you, and I said, ‘I will not stretch out my hand against my lord, for he is the LORD’s anointed."  (1 Samuel 24:10)

Members of Moses' own family spoke against him, criticizing his God-appointed leadership. God rebuked Aaron and Miriam for this, even causing Miriam to have Leprosy:

"The LORD said,  "I speak with him face to face, even plainly, and not in dark sayings; and he sees the form of the LORD. Why then were you not afraid to speak against My servant Moses? So the anger of the LORD was aroused against them, and He departed. And when the cloud departed from above the tabernacle, suddenly Miriam became leprous, as white as snow. Then Aaron turned toward Miriam, and there she was, a leper.”  (Numbers 12:8)

When we speak against, criticize, and voice our displeasure or disappointment with someone in leadership whom God has raised up, we're essentially criticizing God, and His authority.  Those who do this will not be held guiltless.

Finally, speaking words of bitterness against someone else to others, thereby causing them to become defiled, is not demonstrating love.  Quite the opposite. When we do anything that would knowingly cause a brother or sister to stumble, to be made weak, or to be offended, it is entirely selfish.

The apostle Paul wrote:

"It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles, or is offended, or is made weak."  (Romans 14:21)

Not trying to take any of the responsibility off of myself—but over the years, several people that I am close to have stumbled me greatly at times by sharing their 'feelings' with with me regarding the troubles or difficulties they have had working for a very demanding employer they served.  I should have stopped them and told them that I could not bear to hear what they were telling me about their leader, and that they should instead speak blessing over him, and pray for the man, and not speak against the Lord's anointed.  But, to my shame, I went right along with it, and commiserated with them, essentially approving of what they were saying by my silence—by not stopping and admonishing them. 

Again, this is to my shame.

The most damaging aspect of this is that when we speak harshly against someone else—and by our bitterness many others become defiled—those seeds of bitterness get planted in others like a cancer, and it spreads to others; thereby defiling many in the whole sick process. 

This is greatly to my shame, in that, when my friends shared their feelings (and bitterness) with me regarding what they felt was mistreatment from their leader, not only was I defiled, but then I exercised this sick need I had to go tell many others about the wrongs 'unjustly' committed against my friends by this "unfair" leader.  I was spreading the cancer. I was perpetuating the problem.  And by my sin, many others were defiled.  And it only continued to spread.

This cancerous, defiling sin can ruin an entire community of people.  It's divisive. It's sick.  It's a cancer. 

It kills.

I owe a huge apology to the many people I have defiled by the root of bitterness that I had—by which, I opened my big mouth and vomited all my bitterness onto you.  I am sorry.  I stumbled, contaminated and defiled you.  Please forgive me. 

And to my friends who stumbled and defiled me by sharing their bitter or disappointed feelings with me about your leader—I forgive you.  But I also want to encourage you to take this before God, confess it, and repent of it, and desire to be changed—to be different.  To not want to be 'that man' any more.

And may God forgive me for speaking bitterness against all the other people, and against those in leadeship, that I have spoken against and criticized.

Last night as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, the full weight of just how much I have sinned in this area hit me like a freight train.  And of all the many people I have defiled and contaminated in this way, by the critical bitterness that came from within my hard heart, and spewed out through my big mouth.  But I brought it before the Lord and asked Him to change my heart, and clean my heart, from the inside out.

I don't want to be that bitter, defiling man any more.

Fortunately, God's promise to us from 1 John 1:8-9 is:

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Thank You Lord Jesus, for Your love, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

—God is Love, and Love Never Fails.

Love Never Fails

What an intense, crazy, and amazing year this has been...

Last September, after I lost my job, I felt led to start this blog, and called it "Marriage-Miracles", because God miraculously healed my own marriage and He gave us an amazing testimony of the power of His love and forgiveness to share, which has encouraged many people over the years.

Over the last few months much of what was on my heart to write about has not specifically addressed marriage, although the content certainly can have application to marriage, in that I tend to deal with topics such as selfishness, sacrifice, and forgiveness. However, I've had an increasing sense of urgency that leads me to look at and consider the bigger picture in life, and not just at marriage issues.

It's time to change things up a bit.

As words can carry great meaning, I have for several months, contemplated the title of this blog, and was concerned that the title, "Marriage Miracles" may have been a potential hindrance to people who are single or divorced.  I don't want anyone to feel excluded and have seen this happen in some Christian circles where there is such a heavy focus on families and marriages, that single or divorced people tend to feel slighted, or left out.  That is not, nor has it ever been, the intention of this blog.

So, after much careful deliberation, I decided to change the title of my blog to "Love Never Fails." The title is universal. No one is excluded from receiving the freely available gift of God's love through Jesus Christ the Savior.

Also, even though there is a desperate need for encouragement, help and resources for people who are struggling in their marriages, we, as followers of Christ, have a much Bigger Picture to consider, as sojourners who are only temporarily on this earth. 

It is my strong, personal conviction by what we read in the pages of Scripture, as well as the personal trials and experiences we have had, that we truly do have an unseen Enemy who the Bible says, "Only comes to steal, kill and destroy." 

And from our experiences, and from those of many other people—some of whom are living broken, defeated, joy-less lives—we believe that most people are living like they do not believe that their Adversary even exists. 

The Bible says,

"Your adversary the devil, roams about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." 

But, if we're being honest about it, most of us are on spiritual auto-pilot, carrying on in "business-as-usual" lives, like we don't believe that we truly are at war—as if we don't really have an unseen Enemy who actually comes to steal, to kill and to destroy.

Part of my focus go-forward in this blog, will be to consistently remind my fellow followers of Christ that we do indeed have an Enemy who never sleeps—who only comes to kill, to steal and to destroy.

And that we must spiritually fight for our marriages, for our children, for our families—for our lives.  As my friend Craig has often reminded me, this is life or death. 

But, praise God, we are not in this alone. 

God's Word says that we are to be strong and courageous and to not be afraid, because our God is with us wherever we go.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  And He sent His Holy Spirit—the Comforter—to strengthen and protect us, and to bring to our remembrance all the things that Jesus has said.

Truly, if God is for us, no one can be against us.

Another revolutionary truth that I was recently encouraged by, is that our hearts are good—our hearts do matter to God.  

Yes, in the Old Testament, it does say (of unrepentant man), “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?" (Genesis 6:5, Jeremiah 17:9).

But that's not the end of the story. 

Not by a long shot.

Fellow Christian—your heart is good.

For all those who truly have been Born Again—by the blood and Spirit of Jesus Christ—He has given us a new heart—the deep innermost place within us where God now dwells, in all those who have freely invited Him in and received Him as Savior and Lord.

God has given us a new heart and a regenerated spirit:

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you."  (Ezekiel 36:26)

However, our Enemy tries to constantly accuse us and condemn us, trying to get us to buy into his lie that our hearts are still continuously wicked.  But that is a lie, and Satan is the father of a lie.

The old sinful nature—the flesh—is wicked, and it wars against the spirit.  The two are contrary to one another.  But the same power—the same Spirit, who raised Christ from the grave—dwells in you and in me, for all those who are in Christ. 

"He whom the Son has set free, is free indeed."  (John 8:36)

Your heart is now good, and your heart truly does matter to God, if indeed Christ dwells in you by faith.

You are not in this alone.

—God is Love, and Love Never Fails.

P.S.  the URL for Love Never Fails is still: 

     http://marriage-miracles.blogspot.com/

Our Story

Here is how our story began...

On the last day of high school, I sat next to this beautiful girl with the most amazing smile and sparkling eyes that I had ever seen... 

I was smitten.

We knew each other only casually at school, and she always smiled at me and we said "hi" as we passed each other in the hall between classes.  I had always wanted to talk to her more, but I was super shy.

We didn't see each other after graduation until about six years later, when we were each out with a friend and 'happened' to bump into each other at a local venue that had music and dancing.  We danced and laughed and really connected that night.  We ended up talking in her car and watched the sun come up together.

Something magical happened that night.

Fast forward a year or so.  We had dated and experienced both exhilarating and tumultuous times together, even breaking up and then getting back together.  We were both very passionate, head-strong people who loved life and wanted to be together, but wanted our independence as well.  Eventually we decided to move in together, and after asking her to marry me four times, she finally said "yes" and we got married at a justice of the peace.

And so we began our life together—husband and wife.

We were so in love. Nothing could phase us. We were unstoppable.  Being a newlywed surpassed my wildest expectations.  I had never felt this way before, and never had someone who I loved so much, or who loved me like she did.  We were confident that we would be this way forever—head over heels in love with each other.

The 'honeymoon' started to fade about six months later. 

The two love birds who were inseparable were now arguing and there was a lot of tension between us.  I was dumb founded. Our marriage became a wild roller coaster ride.  One minute it was loving, passionate and close.  The next, we were screaming at each other, both wondering why we ever got married in the first place?

How could this be happening?

Then I started to discover that most of the married people that we knew were more or less on this same kind of marriage roller coaster.  I never dreamed this would happen with us.  I was very bewildered by it all. But we loved each other and were committed to working on our issues.  But communicating was so hard. 

What were we doing wrong?

All my life I had been a 'people pleaser' and because I loved my wife I was always doing nice things for her.  At the time I truly thought I was doing these things unconditionally because I loved my wife and wanted to please her. But I learned much later on about myself that I always had selfish expectations when I did 'nice things' for my wife, and it was not unconditional. 

I always had a selfish agenda.

As the next couple of years passed, we became more at odds with each other. We couldn't effectively communicate.  There were misunderstandings daily.  We were both very disillusioned with the marriage.

We headed down that path that so many couples go down... having thoughts of ending the marriage.  We tried to fill up the empty places in our hearts by buying a big new house and filling it with stuff to cover the pain and heartache of a dying marriage.  But the newness of the material stuff faded quickly and we were failing miserably in our marriage.

Was this marriage really going to end?  Was there any hope for us?

I wish I could say that after this things really started to get better.  But they only got worse. 

Much worse.

About this time I was starting to lose hope that our marriage would ever improve, and in the midst of this extremely difficult period, my father passed away.  It's an understatement to say that I 'went south.'

Seemingly by 'accident' I began a friendship with a woman that I worked with.  It all seemed very innocent at the time but it soon led to my beginning an adulterous relationship with this other woman.  I decided to move out of our home and thus began a nearly decade-long period of seven separations and two divorce proceedings between my wife and I.  

We would get back together and things seemed fine at first, but then quickly went back to the crazy roller coaster that they were before.  I was trying to force my wife to change to how I wanted her to be, and when she refused, I would place ultimatums on her, and then leave again when she didn't do what I wanted her to do.   I soon discovered that no one could force my wife to do anything that she didn't want to do. 

The truth is, I never stopped being in love with my wife.  But things were just not 'working out.'   We thought we were trying, but we were both only wanting to get our own way.  There was no 'unconditional' love.  Everything was absolutely conditional. 

We were 'me-monsters'—totally selfish and self-serving—especially me.

At our final separation in the late 1990's, it was on a cold Autumn evening that it finally hit me..."this is a done deal.  there is no going back.  It's over."  I had a full-on panic attack.  I had never had one before and it was freaky. 

The cold hard reality of the consequences of my selfishness and infidelity had hit me like a freight train. I didn't feel like I had the will to live any longer.  It was the first time in my life that I truly felt absolutely hopeless.  I felt totally lost and alone.

During this period of my life my mom had invited me to come to her church...but  I was very hesitant. 

I was glad for her that she "found something that worked for her."  But I certainly "didn't need that."  However, I couldn't escape the hard reality of my messed up life and failed marriage.  As much as I tried, I could not fix my marriage and solve my issues. The emptiness inside of me—the fact that there was something missing in my life—was always right there to remind me every day.

I ended up going on a month-long trip to England with a couple of friends, and I went halfway around the world trying to 'find myself.'  But when I found myself, I didn't like what I found.  I saw just how selfish, and hurtful and unfaithful I had been to my wife and that I alone was responsible for all my failures.

So I left my friends in Ireland a week early, and came back home and broke off the relationship with the other woman.

It was during this time that  my mom invited me to a weely bible study that they had at her church. They were teaching about "Jesus, the Son of God" who was asking men to "Follow Me" and they were walking away from their boats and nets and they followed Him.  I came to know Jesus Christ as my Savior through Him revealing Himself to me in the Gospels.

I learned that only God could truly solve my problems or change my heart. 

And I also discovered that only God could change my wife's heart.

I asked my wife for forgiveness, and told her how Jesus Christ revealed Himself to me, and how He was changing me.  

But talk can be cheap, and after so many years of a broken marriage and an unfaithful husband, my wife had no basis whatsoever to trust me or believe anything that I said. But over the next few months she saw a real change in me.  My heart had changed and my actions proved it. I was a different man.

My wife started to go to church with me and she soon accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior too. As we began our new spiritual journey together, we had no way of knowing then just how many more difficult bumps and forks in the road that we would experience together in the long process of walking with Jesus Christ.  I am a slow learner and I messed up a lot of times after this. 

But God has been patient and faithful to change us and to help us to continue to forgive each other and love each other unconditionally.  But it is a life-long process.  This side of Heaven, no one will be perfect and we all stumble and make mistakes and choose poorly at times.  Thank God for His amazing grace toward us!

It is amazing to me today, to look at how much my wife and I are in love, and that we are even still married!  Just when I think that our marriage can't possibly get any better, it gets better!  I am reminded again today of one of the things my Mom used to say to me when she was still alive. 

She said,

"Mark, there's one thing I know for sure, and that is that God changed my heart and that was something that I never could do for myself."

And I can truly give that same testimony. 

God changed our hearts and my wife and I both know that this was something that we never could do for ourselves.  We tried for years, and we only made things worse.  It is your choice to believe that or not.  But we have personally experienced God truly moving in our hearts and changing our lives.  And many of our relatives and friends who have known us for years know what our marriage was like before, and how we were separated and headed for divorce court many times.  They have lived through that period with us and they see how different we truly are today.

I have been given so much hope because if God can heal and save a broken hopeless marriage like mine, then He can save anyone's marriage who will surrender it to Him and be willing to change and do it God's way.

And that is not just religious talk.  It is the truth, and we have personally experienced it first-hand.

If your marriage seems hopeless and impossible, remember, with God all things are possible—for those who will choose to surrender their hearts and their hurts to the One who is mighty to save.

No matter what you've done, no matter how far you think you've fallen...

—There is always hope in Christ.

—God is Love, and Love Never Fails.