Forsaking All Others

(Photo© Mark Faulkner)

Do you remember your wedding vows?

Many vows said at weddings today often include the phrase:

"Forsaking all others"

That phrase really stirs my heart this morning.  As a husband, is my wife the most important person in the world to me?  Absolutely!  Yes she is.

But here's what really matters...is that her experience?  

Does she really know that she is the most important person in the world to me? And most importantly, is she experiencing that from me on a daily basis?

I can say all the right words, and she may know intellectually that she is the most important person in the world to me, but if she is not experiencing that, I have failed to love her and keep my wedding vows to her.

Speaking to all fellow husbands out there today—what is your wife's countenance like lately?  Does she radiate the security, peace and joy that come from knowing that she is more important to you than anyone or anything else on this earth?

Or does she seem distant, depressed, or defensive?

A teacher I respect a great deal says it best I think, on how we treat our wives:

"The countenance on your wife's face is a direct reflection of the degree that you are—or are not loving her."

I pray those challenging words will sink down from our masculine, logical minds and resonate in our hearts.

Are you forsaking all other things, and people, that tend to come between your relationship and quality time with your wife—the woman you vowed to love, honor and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse, until death do you part?

Many wives today have basically become widows to their husbands jobs, interests or hobbies. Sadly, I have met too many guys who neglected their wives because they were so busy trying to be number one at work, that they never paid enough attention to their wives needs. 

They stopped noticing their wives countenance.

Their wives stopped feeling like they were the most important person in the world to their husbands a long time ago. Her love tank ran dry.  And often times, another man comes along and pays attention to a woman who has been neglected by her husband, and makes her feel pretty, special, and important.  And far too often, divorce is the result of this neglect.  And that other guy is now your (ex)-wife's new husband.

The strange thing is, none of us ever think that could happen to us.

But a national divorce rate of over 50% in America proves this to be a sad truth.

I know there are exceptions.  It takes two to make a marriage and only one to make a divorce. But often times, this is the direct result of a husband neglecting his wife, because he did not forsake all others and love his wife as he promised to do when he made his wedding vows to her.

Having been married once before and gone through (and caused) the agony and pain of divorce, I have compassion for all my divorced friends.  This post today is not intended to be insensitive to them or cause them pain.  My intent here is to try to help and encourage the married men who are struggling today in their relationships with their wives, and I pray that divorce will not be the result for any of them.

Often times, a woman who is being neglected by her husband will lash out and criticize her husband on anything from how the lawn needs mowing, to how he doesn't spend enough time helping her with the kids. But in almost all instances, when she does this, she is crying out to you: "I just want you to love me more!"

But we men usually miss the S.O.S. signal she is throwing our direction, and typically, because we hate confrontation, we retreat into our cave, or we flee altogether.  Responding in anger, or giving your wife the silent treatment in these instances is the worst thing a husband can do. The message you send your wife when you punish her with the silent treatment communicates to her, "I don't love you enough to talk about this." It tells her you don't love her enough to work on your relationship together.  And a neglected wife dies a little bit more inside, one day of neglect at a time.

Guys, if you don't already know what your wife's love language is, you need to learn it. We have to intimately study our wife, and really seek to know her, understand her emotional needs, and what is in her heart.

If you have not already read "The 5 Love Languages" by author Gary Chapman, I strongly encourage that you do so.   http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Another excellent book on marriage and relationships is "Love and Respect" by author Emerson Eggerichs.  http://loveandrespect.com/

Today, really take the time and care to observe your wife's countenance. 

Seek to know her more deeply, more intimately.  What is the condition of her heart?  Is she experiencing true peace, joy and fulfillment in her life?

If not, accept the personal responsibility for neglecting your wife, and then apologize to her.  Tell her, and most importantly, show her that she is the most important person in the world to you.

Jesus said the following on our relationship with our wives (Matthew 19:5-6):

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

A husband has the awesome responsibility to protect his marriage and guard his wife's heart.  He is to not let anything - or anyone - come between him and his wife.  Not his job, not his father or mother...not even his own children.  I know, that's a hard saying....but I'll leave you to pray about that for yourself.

Allow God to show you what your wife's countenance truly reveals regarding how much you are loving her...or failing to love her. 

And also ask Him to show you what - or who - you need to forsake in your life--be it spending so much time at work, time away hunting or fishing, working on your car, surfing the Internet, or watching sports on TV.

Starting today, take the time and care to show your wife that she is truly the most important person in this world to you.   And then watch her countenance begin change and shine before your eyes! 

I guarantee you, you will experience what Jesus said:

"It is more blessed to give than to receive"

Husbands, love your wives.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Break Free

Do you know what the definition of insanity is?

When something is not working—doing the same old thing, the same old way, expecting new, different and better results.

Now that's insane!

So why do we do that so often?   We keep kicking the same old 'dead horse' hoping it will budge, and then we sit around bummed out when it just lays there dead.

Speaking to myself first here, we have to step back and really take a hard look at what we are doing that is not producing the results we desire or desperately need, and honestly ask ourselves, "What do I need to do differently—starting today?"

Whether we are having difficulties in our relationships, trouble finding a job, or we need to lose a few pounds, remaining stuck in the same old rut of the status quo ain't gonna change things one whit.

Today, I am going to make a list of all the things I need to change and do differently, and then I am going to do it.

No one is going to do it for me, and I'll be darned if I am going to continue to sit around and be bummed out about it!

Am I speaking to anyone here today?

Look, I have compassion.  I know this life is hard.  But this is the life we have been given, and we have to make the most of what we have, and be thankful for it. 

For instance, in my personal 'battle of the bulge' I moaned and groaned for two years, "Lord...won't You just heal me of this and make me fit and trim again like I used to be?"

And He was silent for a long time.  And then one day I heard His still, small voice speak very clearly to my heart:

"Mark, you know what you need to do—but you're just not doing it."

Ouch.  Talk about being convicted.   All I could say was, "Yes, Lord. I know You're right."

God could just wave His hand and make every difficulty and ailment in my life vanish instantly.  But that's not the way it works.  He has set before me a life of choices, and I have to choose to do something with what He has placed before me. That's just how it is.  And remaining stuck in the ruts I get myself into is not part of His plan.

A few years ago a wise brother said the following:

"All we can do is according to the grace God has given each of us; no more and no less. If we try to do more than God has graced us to do, we are just striving.  But--make sure you max what you got."

I'm not promoting a life of always being under pressure to perform.  God is not making us jump through hoops like a bunch of circus animals.  But we all have been given talents, giftings, resources and opportunities and we have to do something with what He has set before us.   And it's not going to happen by just sitting around thinking about it all the time.

Far too often, I/we sit around and try to excuse our laziness and say, "This is all I have ever done" or, "It doesn't do any good!"  Making excuses accomplishes nothing.  We've all made mistakes, and we reap the consequences of our actions.  Sometimes we are limited due to our own consequences.  But we're not out of the game. 

The worst thing we can do is to be mad when things don't happen the way that we want them too when our difficulties are often us reaping what we have sown.  That's life. 

But we still have to move forward.

As painful as self confrontation is, it is critical to our progress in this life to make an honest assessment of our lives and identify what is not working, and why it is not working, and then make whatever changes are necessary to break through and break free of the insanity of indecision and inactivity.

We have to be willing to do today what we were not willing to do yesterday—to bring about the positive changes that we need in our lives. Fortunately, God does not call us to do anything without providing us the strength and the wisdom that we need to accomplish it. But we have to ask Him for it too.

And when He speaks a word to us, we must be doers of His word and not just hearers.  To be a hearer of His word and not a doer is to deceive ourselves.

Well, my self confrontation list is still a blank sheet of paper and it's not going to get done by itself. So I'll leave you to your own list.

Please, don't keep doing what is not working in your life.

Step back, re-group, re-evaluate yourself, and then ask God to give you the wisdom, courage and strength to change whatever needs changing.

Be willing to do today what you were not willing to do before.  Do differently whatever God shows you that you need to do. And don't put it off until tomorrow.  That will get you nowhere.

Break through and finally break free.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Unforgiveness Kills

    Photo ©Mark Faulkner 2010

Unforgiveness Kills.

How so?

“Unforgiveness is a poison we drink, hoping someone else will die.” 

To forgive or not forgive someone from our heart is a choice...always.  I'm not saying it is always easy.  Heaven knows I have struggled at times with forgiving people, all of my life.

But I have learned the hard way that my unforgiveness kills my peace and my joy.  My refusal to forgive someone keeps me focused on my self and on what that person did to me... or what I perceive that they did to me.   Unforgiveness keeps me small, petty, and selfish. Unforgiveness is ugly.

Unforgiveness kills.

I know I posted a message recently on forgiveness. So, why another so soon? you may be asking.

Because I need to be reminded to forgive people every day.  We all do.  Someone will invariably step on our toes or offend us in some way today.  Maybe it is intentional, but not usually.  But offenses certainly shall come. 

That's life.

But how we choose to respond to offenses--that says a lot about us, or what is inside of us.

One of my favorite quotes this year is:

"The trials of this life neither make us or break us—they simply reveal what is inside of us."

That profound truth has really been peeling the layers off this old onion.  And in peeling an onion, tears are involved.  When God peels back the layers of our onion-like heart, it is painful. The more He reveals what is inside of me, the more I see my desperate need to have my heart changed.  And I confess...my onion still has many more layers to come off.

In my heart I need to forgive those who have wronged me.

The root of bitterness and resentment in our hearts manifests itself in the symptom of unforgiveness. The symptom is not the root of the problem.  The bitterness we have in our hearts is the root.  

Unforgiveness is like cancer--it has to be cut out completely, or the cancer will continue to spread or come back.  Without removing cancer at its root--the cancer will kill.  Unforgiveness is exactly like cancer. But with one major difference;  cancer is not contagious--but the ugly fallout of unforgiveness certainly can be. 

When we allow the hatred of unforgiveness that is in our hearts to spew out of our mouths, it will defile all who are in our vicinity. We seem to revel in telling everyone who will listen what horrible things that person did to me!

Unforgiveness kills relationships. 

Many of us have friends in our lives who have been stuck in a self-imposed rut of bitterness and unforgiveness for years--even decades. 

One man that I know has been bitter and unforgiving of his (now re-married) ex-wife for seventeen years.   I love my friend, but it is so hard to be around him any more because the ugliness of his bitterness and unforgiveness has totally held him back from living a joy-filled life.  His self-focus and refusal to forgive his ex-wife has killed his peace, joy and any opportunity of living a life filled with purpose and loving others.  After spending a few hours with him, I feel defiled after listening to the bitterness and ugliness that comes out of his hardened heart. I have been trying to encourage him for years to forgive and move on.  To focus on loving and serving others...but he won't listen. He won't change his mind and repent of his own self-inflicted prison of unforgiveness.

And our unforgiveness truly is a prison—a self-inflicted prison.

The apostle Paul wrote:

"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long-suffering;  bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.  And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful."  (Colossians 3:12-15)

For those who follow Christ, set yourself free today from your self-inflicted prison of unforgiveness. And unspeakable joy will result.

Forgiving those who wronged you does not negate what they did...but when you choose to release them from the debt of your unforgiveness, you will set yourself free. Forgiving someone is easier when we remember all that we have been forgiven of. 

Jesus said (Luke 7:46-48):

"You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil.  Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.”  Then He said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”

We who have been forgiven much are to love much, and to forgive others as we have been forgiven.

Be free!

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Let It Flow

    Photo ©Mark Faulkner 2009

Why is the Dead Sea dead?

Because there is no outlet. No outflow.

For centuries minerals, trash, silt and all manner of unmentionable garbage flowed into the Dead Sea. To this day, the salt content is so high that it is virtually impossible for someone swimming in it to sink.  But fresh rain water also flowed into the Dead Sea.  And yet, it is still dead to this day.

All healthy bodies of water have constant fresh inflow and constant outflow.  Things are continuously moving, flushing out the pond scum and junk. The water is living water.  It cannot stagnate as long as things keep flowing.

How much more are we like a body of water.

For those who are followers of Christ, God's Word says that we have been filled with Rivers of Living Water. And that Living Water was never meant to simply collect in us and not flow freely out. But how often do we hold back the flow and keep it bottled up inside?  How often do we allow an inordinate self-focus to clog up any outlet in our hearts and not let that Living Water flow freely out on others bringing them God's refreshment, love and grace?

When we do not allow God's Living Water to flow freely out of us, things begin to stagnate, and unless we break open the flood gates of hard heartedness, selfishness and self pity, we will eventually become like a dead sea. It's kind of funny that just this week our kitchen sink clogged up and it took a lot of Liquid Plumber to help get things flowing again.  *smile*  I think God has a great sense of humor.

My heart has become pretty clogged up lately because I let the junk of this life and too much self-focus build up and stagnate in me, instead of me reaching out to other people more to encourage them.  The Living Water Christ gives by His Spirit flows into my heart constantly, but if I hold back the flow and close myself off to people in need of His love and mercy, I begin to get pretty stinky.  My heart begins to resemble the Dead Sea.

In John 7:37-38 Jesus said,

“If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”

The rivers of living water that Jesus gives are meant to flow out of our hearts.

If you are feeling stagnant today—allow the Spirit of God to break open the flood gates of your heart and let the love and mercy God has given you flow freely out onto others.

Let it flow!

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

A Homecoming

   

"People just need to figure it out for themselves..."

Those words are still swirling across my thoughts this morning as I muse over a steaming cup of coffee.

My daughter is visiting this week from out of state.  We were blessed to have our father/daughter lunch yesterday. In our discussion while enjoying amazing Mexican food at Pollo Rey, as we usually do, we talked about navigating life's challenges, job situations, our family's common love for Mexican food, and the need for the healing of emotions from the wounds of the past.

We both know people who are going through some truly deep water, and who are struggling.  And we both agree that sometimes, we just don't know what to say to them.  We want to help, but the right words seem elusive at times.

It's easy to see when someone (else) is choosing a path in their life that will only cause them more distress. But knowing exactly what to say to them about it, and when to speak up, is an entirely more complex and difficult proposition. And it was while we were discussing the difficulty of this that my daughter said those wise words I quoted above:

"People just need to figure it out for themselves..."

Sometimes we do need to speak up, and sometimes what we need to say to someone is not what they want to hear.  But they still need to hear it.  I can recall pivotal moments in my life when I was on a self-destructive path and someone cared enough about me to get in my face when I needed it, and shake me out of my stupor.  At the time I didn't appreciate what they had to say to me, but for the most part, in hindsight I am very thankful today that they spoke up.  I know where I would be right now if they had remained silent and if I had not heeded what they had to say.

But you have to be very sensitive in these moments to discern what to say, and at the right time.

I can recall just as many times that I felt like speaking up to someone about something and I felt a very subtle hesitation about it, and decided to remain silent.  For the most part, I am glad I kept my mouth shut at these times.

When my daughter was a teenager going through a particular rebellious season, I used the same words in pleading with her that my dad used to use with me..."Learn from my mistakes!" And I recall her saying to me, "But I need to make my own mistakes."

I know.... me too.

But there are still times when we must speak up, and if we do it in love, even though the other person may not like what we have to say, it could make the difference for them at a very crucial time.  The Bible states:

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend."

Again, I am so thankful to my true friends who spoke tough love to me at crucial times in my life, when I was apparently hell-bent on doing exactly the wrong thing.  It's funny in some of those times when we are choosing the worst possible path that we think we are doing the right thing--even justifying to ourselves and to others, that this is the "right" decision.

(*Shakes head while laughing*)

Before my daughter came to visit, I was apprehensive about what I felt I should say to her, regarding some of the life-issues that she is dealing with. I wanted to speak up about some things, but I didn't want to do so in a way that would possibly wound her sensitive heart. 

But the more we talked, and she reminded me that ultimately, at the end of the day—we all have to figure things out for ourselves, I see what an amazing woman she has grown up to be.  She has a good head on her shoulders and she is going to be okay.  I'll always be her dad, and she's still my little girl, even at 30 years of age. But she is a sensitive, very caring person, and her friends are lucky to have her in their lives. I know that she will say the right things to her friends who are hurting, and at the right time. 

Usually, it's enough to just be there for someone.  We don't always have to say a lot. But, being her dad, I still did ask about a couple of things, and still offered some gentle fatherly advice and counsel. *smile*

The love we have for each other as friends, and as family, comes from the love of Christ that has been placed in our hearts.  And it's that love that makes coming home such a wonderful thing.

I'll leave you to ruminate with me on the following lyrics from U2's song, "A Sort of Homecoming"

And you know it's time to go
Through the sleet and driving snow
Across the fields of mourning
Light in the distance

And you hunger for the time
Time to heal, desire, time
And your earth moves beneath
Your own dream landscape

And your heart beats so slow
Through the rain and fallen snow
Across the fields of mourning
Light's in the distance

Oh don't sorrow, no don't weep
For tonight, at last
I am coming home
I am coming home

--God is Love and Love Never Fails.

The Big Picture

    

Well... I guess it took seeing my home college football team losing a must-win game last night, to cause me to take a step back (again) and really examine just how important I have made some non-essential things in my life.

Non-essential things, like football, and yes, even fly fishing.

It's hard to see how excessively caught up we can get in some of the things that we enjoy until something shakes us out of our stupor. Life's non-essentials—like football and fly fishing—have a strange way of invading too large a place in our hearts. They certainly do in mine.

But as I saw last night, even when my favorite football team loses a crucial game and any hope of playing in a national championship has been dashed to pieces—this ol' ball of dirt still keeps on a spinning.

Life goes on.

It's amazing to look at pictures of the earth from space.

The earth's circumference is over 24,000 miles. And yet, compared to the galaxy in which it resides, it is just a minute speck. Now consider the galaxy that we are in compared to the entire universe—which contains billions of galaxies—and the earth is not even equal to a microscopic speck of dust in size.

So, in its proper context, the utter insignificance of my favorite team losing a football game last night cannot even be measured. My hooking and losing the largest rainbow trout I have ever seen last summer is absolutely meaningless—in light of the true meaning of life.

Ten thousand years from now, as we are perpetually set in our eternal destination, we will not be looking back lamenting over our football team losing to an arch rival, or of the 'big one that got away.'

Am I happy that our team will not get a chance to play in a national championship game this year? Nope.

But as I have seen, I apparently needed something like last night's disappointment to shift my focus off of the insignificant things in life, and to turn and consider the true meaning of life, and weigh the actions, thoughts, and intentions of my heart—in light of eternity.

In the Bible it is written that everything we ever did, said and thought--has been recorded. And one day, it says "The books shall be opened" and we will have to give an account to Him who sits on the throne in Heaven.

Kinda puts it all in perspective, doesn't it?

I want my life to count for something.

On that Day, I want to be able to give an account of a life that was fully devoted to the Savior who freely offered me eternal life. I want to live a life that is focused on loving God and loving people, and is not bound up in the temporary trappings of this life that, in reality, are utterly insignificant and meaningless in light of eternity.

Lord, help me to see the big picture, and keep my heart fully focused on You, and on the things and people that really matter in this life.

Here is an appropriate verse from a favorite song of ours...

When we've been there 10,000 years,
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days,
To sing God's praise,
Than when we first begun.
My chains are gone,
I've been set free.
My God, my Savior,
Has ransomed me.
And like a flood,
His mercy reigns,
Unending love,
Amazing grace.

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.

Give Thanks

    Photo (c)Mark Faulkner 2010

It's been an amazing year...

And I want to take this opportunity to give thanks to God for all things.

My wife and I celebrated 27 years together this year.  I could never have imagined having a wife who would be such a blessing to me as she has been, and is today. Lord, help me to walk worthy of such an amazing blessing and responsibility.

As I have watched my children grow up, I have come to realize what an amazing blessing children truly are, and I am thankful for my daughter and my son. I love them so much and want to be a better dad to them.

This year, more than any other time, I have been reminded of what a great family I have, and I love my three brothers and my sister. I haven't been a very good brother to them but I want to be a better brother go forward.

I am thankful for the amazing friends that God has brought into my life—some decades ago, some more recently, and some just this year. The family of God is a priceless treasure, and is a family that we will be a part of for eternity. One friend refers to the brotherhood that we all share as a Band of Brothers.  We are in the foxhole of life together, and I am so thankful that I have brothers who are true friends who watch my back, and who would literally take a bullet for me—and I for them.

2010 has been an incredible year of fly fishing.  I have been blessed to have caught more big trout this year than in all other years combined.  I owe a large part of that to some local experts that I have met and have gleaned bits and pieces of their expertise. I am thankful for the growing friendships I have with these guys.

Due largely to catching all those huge trout, I developed a bad case of tendonitis ('trout elbow') and to this day, it is getting worse, even chronic at times.  I am thankful though for this, as it is a constant reminder of the many amazing fishing trips I had with good friends, and also for the reminder that this life is short, and a new body—free of all pain—is coming soon!  

Yee Ha! 

I lost my job this year.  I was there for almost 7 years, and had made a good income, learned some new skills, and met some really great people. Made plenty of mistakes too, and hopefully, learned from those mistakes.  Had some great successes and victories also!. I am thankful for having had a good job for so many years, and am now even more thankful to have been 'moved on.'  I'm looking forward to the next season of employment.

In fact one of my friends who was a former client encouraged me to start a blog.  And I am thankful that God used him to help me get my thinking out of the box and he challenged me, asking, "What do you love to do?"  This is why I started this blog—because what I really love to do is to help people, with their marriages and with life.

I'm also extremely thankful for this season of being unemployed, because God has used this difficult season to draw me closer to Himself.  He has shown me that when I had a job and everything was going so well, I had actually become very complacent in my relationship with Him, and I had basically left my First Love.  Thank You Lord for drawing me back to You.  I desire to keep You first in my heart always.  Thank You for loving me and for saving me.

Today, we will be spending Thanksgiving with my brothers and their families.  We haven't been able to do this for a few years and I am so thankful to have this time to spend with my family.

Doggone it, I feel like George Bailey today! 

Even though I'm unemployed, because of all the blessings in my life—namely my Lord and my amazing family and friends—I truly am the richest man in town! 

It really is a wonderful life!   And I wouldn't trade it for anything... all the good and the bad things I have gone through have ultimately brought me to the place that I am today. God has, as He has promised, caused all things to work together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Thank You Lord for all things—and especially for You Lord, I give thanks!

—God is Love and Love Never Fails.