Are You a Good Listener?

“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak…” (James 1:19)

In today's, 'It's all about me' culture, listening has become a lost art.

As one author rightly put it:

"Listening is more than waiting for your turn to talk."

I read that quote about listening back in the early 90's. But it has stayed with me over the years, and has probably helped me in my marriage, as much or more than anything else has.

Ever get stuck on a plane next to someone who talks at you, non-stop, going on and on, in detail after boring detail, about all of his past jobs and accomplishments, for the entire flight, not even coming up for air?

The sad truth is, most people do not know how to properly listen. Or, they know how, but are too full of themselves to care enough to do it.

Look at the pained expression on the face of the man in the photo above. He just wants to get out of there, to get away from this boorish guy who won't stop talking.

For many people, 'listening' only means waiting for one's turn to talk. 

Even worse, most people don't even wait for their turn. 

I have known, or have been around, a number of 'chronic interrupters.' This is one of my major pet peeves; people who are so arrogant and prideful that seem to think that what they have to say is more important than what you or someone else is already saying.

I've been thinking about this difficult topic for a long time now. Years actually. 

Something has to be said.

If you read this and see yourself as a chronic interrupter, conversation-dominator, or horrible listener, I pray that you are offended—but only to the point that you are convicted, seeing your need to repent, and then care enough to actually change your ways.

Really bad listeners, boorish conversation-dominators, and chronic interrupters are actually borderline (if not full on) narcissists. It's "all about them."

At the core of this arrogant, selfish behavior, is a demonstrated lack of love for others. 

Take a moment and let that sink in.

A demonstrated lack of love for others.

When you fail to listen to people and you interrupt them, what you are in effect saying to them is, "What you have to say is not important, you are insignificant and you don't matter." 

It's not only unloving, it's extremely disrespectful.

And while I realize that many people who behave this way may well be clueless that they are doing it, that's still no excuse. Your selfish and unloving behavior is wounding people and is hindering communication and relationships.

And, if you are always talking and never listening, you are robbing yourself of some valuable wisdom and insights that you might glean from another person, if you actually took the time to listen to them.

"God gave you two ears and one mouth; use proportionately."

I love that quote. And have been personally convicted by it many times. In my customer service/sales career I was taught that if you are talking more than thirty percent of the time, you are not listening effectively.

Years ago, I went to a men's leadership meeting, and every man in that meeting was constantly interrupting one another, trying to get his own point across, not even listening to what the other guys were saying. Eventually, I just walked out. Nothing good was going to come from that kind of group arrogance.

Perhaps the most valuable phrase I ever heard on listening was: 

"Listen with the intent to understand."

The way you show love and respect to another person who is speaking, is to demonstrate by your body language, that you are interested in what they are saying. You do this by maintaining good eye contact, leaning forward in your seat to show your attentiveness. Show that you care about what they are saying by being silent, thoughtfully nodding your head that you understand. Not slouching in your seat, looking out the window, or at your cell phone. Not rolling your eyes.

This is basic, common sense, communication 101. You'd think people would just naturally get it.

Trust me; they don't.  Or won't.

If this all sounds a bit harsh to you, I belabor the issue because this is a major problem today. In business, in churches, in friendships, in marriages. I am convinced that most marriages that end in divorce, do so because people don't care enough to listen with the intent to understand. 

People often think they are 'listening' but they are merely waiting defensively to hear words that trigger how what you are saying affects them. Not how what they are doing makes you feel. 

See the difference?

It's all about them.

When my wife wants to talk to me about her feelings, I need to listen with the intent of hearing her heart; seeking to understand her better as a woman, as a person, and as my wife. I need to hear from her heart how what I am doing might be trampling on her feelings, and then ask her for forgiveness, and purpose to change my ways so that we can grow together from this, healing her heart in the process, not repeating again the same mistakes I've made in the past. 

What most men do instead, is to put on their "Mister Fix it" cap. He doesn't even let his wife finish what she is saying. He cuts her off, and says, "Okay, look, here's what you need to do!"  

Trust me, guys; she doesn't need you to "fix" her issue (when usually, you are the issue). She needs you to listen, hearing her heart, seeking to understand her. Just listen. 

Don't talk.

Listen.

I could go on. Entire book store sections are filled with books on relationships, communication and listening. But it all can be summed up in one word:

LOVE.

Read 1 Corinthians chapter 13 on love and see what demonstrated love looks like.

     —God is Love and Love Never Fails.