“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with
understanding, giving honor to your wife.”
(1 Peter 3:7)
It's the day before Valentines Day and I felt compelled to write about knowing my wife more deeply, and loving her unconditionally.
If any of you guys are struggling in your relationship with your wife, I pray this might offer you some helpful insights into this marvelous and paradoxical mystery—the heart of a woman.
Not that I am The Expert on marriage and women. Lord knows I've made more than my share of mistakes and blunders in the 29 years I've been married to my wonderful wife. But in those 29 years, I've learned a few things, as the Lord has taught me, when I stopped trying to change my wife's heart, and move out of the way and allow Him to be her Lord.
First, and most difficult—the word unconditional.
When was the last time you did something for your wife that was absolutely without condition? No strings attached? No hidden, selfish agenda? No quid pro quo (you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours). Something simply to bless her, not even to make you feel good for doing it? Think of the last time you offered to rub her back... You get the picture.
Early in our marriage, I did a lot of nice things for my wife. But almost always there was some hidden agenda attached for my doing so. If I do this for her, maybe she won't nag me when I want to go fishing next weekend... If I do that for her, maybe she'll let me buy that new rifle I've been wanting. If I rub her back maybe she'll... Guys, you know what I'm saying. It was all conditional. It was never really just to bless her. Sometimes it was just so I would feel like a great guy for doing it, and I could tell my friends just how great a husband I was. But it was never really unconditional.
True, unconditional love is absolutely unselfish and without condition. And trust me, she can always see through you and spot your hidden agendas...
So try blessing your wife simply because you love her, and because she deserves it; as she is your better half, your soul mate, and your best friend. And, if you are a true Christian—a follower of Jesus Christ—do it because you have been given the amazing privilege of loving and serving one of God's own daughters! Understanding that incredible truth forever changed how I look at my role as a husband.
Next, the Word says, Husbands, dwell with your wife with understanding.
If you are having issues communicating with and understanding your wife, start by getting on your knees and ask the Lord to help you know and understand your wife better as a woman, as a person, and as an individual. Ask Him to help you understand her heart—what she needs, and how you can nurture what He is doing in her heart. If you haven't yet figured this out, I'll let you in on a little secret—men and women are vastly different. I know, it sounds simplistically idiotic for me to say that. But you'd be surprised. Many guys are clueless as to how God made their wives emotionally—how He wired them, and how they think. I've been studying my wife for over thirty years, getting to know and understand her, and I'm just now really beginning to figure her out.
Part of dwelling with your wife with understanding, is to know her Love Language.
If you've never heard this term, here are the five Love Languages:
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch
My wife for instance absolutely loves it when I do acts of service for her. The other day I cleaned out the garage and assembled some baker racks and neatly put the plastic storage tubs of her Sunday School supplies on them. You would think I gave her ten dozen red roses! She thanked me with tears in her eyes. This is her number one Love Language. A dozen roses or bouquet of flowers doesn't really do much for her. But if I go out and weed the flower beds and then clean the kitchen, different story!
Now my daughter says her love language is getting pretty flowers. Some ladies prefer spending quality time above all else. Others love daily words of affirmation the most. Every woman is different, and that is why you need to know your wife more deeply and seek to understand her better as a woman, as a person: as an individual. You may be buying her flowers and chocolates, while what she really needs and desires from you is altogether different.
Every woman really wants and needs all five of the things on this list. But understanding your wife individually and personally, knowing the order of importance each item holds in her heart is the secret—and one that you will absolutely need God's help to unlock and truly understand.
A man's list would probably be totally different than his wife's. Most guys would undoubtedly place physical touch at the top of the list. Next would probably be quality time. Third might be receiving gifts. Next, words of affirmation. Acts of service would be at the bottom of my list, but it's at the top of my wife's. Men and women are different, and guys—aren't you glad that we are!
So this Valentine's Day (and every day after)... love your wife unconditionally, and bless her by knowing, understanding, and speaking her love language—not yours.
—God is Love and Love Never Fails.
