“My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding, that you may preserve discretion, and your lips may keep knowledge. For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of hell.” (Proverbs 5:1-5)
The Deadliest
Trap
With the divorce epidemic running rampant, even among those who profess to be followers of Christ, I must share this, in the hope that those who read this, having been forewarned, will not walk into the same deadly trap that I walked into. My adultery 22 years ago almost cost me my marriage. And it is only by the miraculous, saving power of God’s amazing love, grace and forgiveness, that I am still married, and happily so, after almost thirty years, to my loving, wonderful, and forgiving wife.
The Deadliest Trap… it all started out so innocently… or, so it seemed at the time.
I was an assistant manager at a large sporting goods store. The store was part of a chain that was new to town. Some of us in management knew each other from working for the same employer in the past. But most of the employees were just getting to know each other.
Part of my management responsibilities were to do the store payroll, time cards and write the weekly schedule. On a particularly busy week in the spring, a young woman came to me and asked for the weekend off, for an important family reunion that she had just been made aware of by a relative. The problem was, the schedule had already been written, and it had just barely worked out as it was, with the available crew we had to work with. Several other people had already requested this weekend off before this particular young woman had. However, I told her I would take a look at the schedule and “see what I could do.” But I let her know it was going to be next to impossible to rearrange the schedule to fit her last minute request.
After rearranging some things, I was able to make the schedule work and give her the time off she asked for. I let her know, and she was ecstatic.
Being super busy at the store, I forgot all about it.
But after this woman (her name will never again be mentioned) returned from her time off, she stopped by my office one morning and brought me a single white Carnation flower, in a Diet Coke can, filled with some water. She did so to “show her appreciation” and to let me know “how thankful she was for me working out the schedule so she could go to her family reunion.” I smiled and said, “You’re welcome.”
And that was that. Or so I thought.
What she had no way of knowing at the time, was that my wife and I had been having problems in our marriage for quite some time. We couldn’t communicate. We had little to no intimacy. And we were fighting almost constantly. We had been slowly growing apart over the last couple of years, because we were so at odds with each other over practically everything. I couldn’t remember the last time my wife showed me any affection, kindness or appreciation.
And that’s how it all started.
That’s how our Enemy; who only comes to steal, to kill, and destroy, got his foot in the door of my marriage, and almost brought it to ruin.
This Enemy of ours is cunning, sly and sneaky. He has been perfecting his schemes for at least 6,000 years; when he brought division and trouble between the first husband and wife in the Garden of Eden.
After the young woman left my office, I sat there staring at that white Carnation in the Diet Coke can. It stirred up the deep, painful feelings I had of the loneliness and rejection that I felt from the broken relationship I had with my wife. When was the last time my wife ever showed me the kind of affectionate kindness that this young woman had shown me? I couldn’t recall the last time. It stung.
But I was so moved by the kindness of this young woman towards me, for simply re-arranging the schedule so she could go a family reunion. I was starved for some kindness.
Over the next few days, the more I thought about how unhappy I was in my marriage… the more I kept smelling that white Carnation on my desk. It smelled so sweet... so tantalizing.
Over the next several weeks, as I interacted with various store employees as we worked on store projects together, I had times where I worked with this young woman who gave me the white Carnation. The more she and I worked together, we had several opportunities to make small talk. The more we talked, she began asking me questions about me, about my marriage, what I liked to do in my spare, time, etc. It seemed we had so much in common. She was into most of the same things that I was passionate about; mountain biking, photography, writing, going to the Oregon coast, hiking, staying fit, etc. And she was such a good communicator. So easy to talk to. Vivacious and outdoorsy. She seemed like she was everything my wife wasn’t.
One day this woman came into work a couple of minutes late. Her hair was still slightly damp. She apologized for being late. And as she played with her hair, I began to notice how attractive she was. I’d never really noticed before. Never really given her a second look. But that night after I got home from work, I couldn’t stop thinking about how her hair slowly unwound as she played with it and the smell of her shampoo. I couldn’t stop thinking about her… how attractive I thought she was. How much we clicked when we were around each other. I was becoming infatuated with her.
Our conversations soon became much more personal. She asked me many more questions about my wife and about my marriage… and about the problems in my marriage. She became my ‘confidant.’
I eventually stopped talking to my wife altogether. We couldn’t seem to communicate. All we ever did was argue and fight. Why even try anymore? I privately nick-named our house, “The Palace of Malice.”
When I was with this other woman, we continued to talk more and more about what we liked to do. About our hopes and dreams. And we would exclaim how we had so much in common. Somewhere in the back of my troubled mind, I began to think of this other woman as someone who might actually be my true soul mate. My marriage just wasn’t working. Maybe this was the woman I could be happy with?
“Danger Ahead.”
One day, (keeping it a secret from my wife), I asked the other woman if she wanted to go on a bike ride after work. Nothing serious. Just a short ride along the river. We met up not far from my home. After finishing our ride, we went our separate ways. However, a few weeks later, I asked her to go on another secret bike ride. We rode a few miles, and our conversation was getting pretty personal. After stopping to take a water break, even surprising myself, I leaned over to kiss her. She kind of freaked out at first, but wasn’t opposed to it after that. I apologized for being so bold. But she said it was okay.
Adultery is a very slippery slope. Once you begin the slide downward… it’s all but impossible to stop.
The secret bike rides soon turned into secretly meeting after work for a drink. One night after having too many drinks, we were passionately kissing in the parking lot of the bar, while leaning against her car. It was obvious where this relationship was quickly heading.
About this time, my relationship with my wife seemed dead and gone. I was sick and tired of the constant fighting, tired of her constantly criticizing me, tired of not feeling loved or appreciated. So I moved out. I left our home. My mom let me move into her house. And unfortunately, because she loved me so much, and “just wanted me to be happy” she inadvertently enabled me to stay in my sin. She knew that deep down, I still loved my wife, but try as I might it just wasn’t working out.
It looked like divorce # 2 was in my immediate future.
My times spent with the other woman soon became much more intimate. It was amazing how I was trying to justify it to myself, and to God. When I would feel guilty and convicted, I would tell her that I just needed to do the right thing before God. But her mantra was always the same; “Don’t you think God wants you to be happy?” That kept me justifying my sin to myself. I mean, surely God didn’t expect me to stay in a loveless marriage, full of spite, bitterness and resentment!
Eventually I was fully immersed in my sin. I was an adulterer. I had chosen to dive head first into the deep end of the sin pool. And it looked like I was never coming out of that dark place. The other woman and I even discussed marriage and we were shopping for engagement rings. We went on a long trip to the coast and I charged up thousands of dollars of debt on my credit card trying to impress her. Oh, did I mention that I was unemployed at the time? I was completely oblivious to reality… completely devoid of any visible conscience. Living irresponsibly, selfishly, thinking of no one but myself.
It’s amazing how a simple white Carnation in a Diet Coke can, given with flattering words to a wounded man from an attractive harlot, can devolve into full blown adultery and the destruction of a marriage. The Bible says, “The wages of sin is death.” (Romans 6:23). And I was living it.
And in my case, although it didn’t result in my physical death, it certainly resulted in the death of my marriage. Through God’s love and grace, my wife was able to eventually forgive me. But it took ten years. The consequences of my sin of adultery affected many people. It wounded my children. It wounded my wife’s family. It wounded my mom. It resulted in the death of my peace, the death of my joy, and the death of happiness in our marriage for many years to come.
Don't underestimate the toxic fallout that results from adultery.
Over a period spanning most of the 1990's, my wife and I were separated six times; and it was all my fault, as I was the one who left each time. It was my sin, my selfishness and my stupidity that brought pain, heartache, sorrow and loss to my wife, my family, her family, and my life. We entered into two divorce proceedings during that dark decade. Both times, the divorce proceedings went right down to the wire, us fighting bitterly over 'who would get what' in the divorce settlement. It was so hurtful, so destructive. So selfish.
Fortunately, over the ensuing years, God was drawing my wife and I back together, giving us grace to forgive each other, and stay married.
Near the end of my relationship with “the other woman” I came to discover that she took some kind of sick pleasure in taking me away from my wife. Like it was some kind of conquest or female power play.
“Satan can transform himself into an angel of light.” (2 Corinthians 11:14).
He knows what beautiful, seductive carrots to dangle in front of you that will best trip you up, take you down, and take you out.
Sadly… I made the devastating choice to take his deadly bait.
A trap is a trap because it doesn’t look like a trap.
Satan is the “OZ” behind the curtain. He runs the controls of this hellish world system from dark corners, behind the scenes, and underneath the surface, where he cannot be seen.
The deadliest trap can be cunningly disguised as a tall blond, with sweet, flattering words, and a white Carnation in a Diet Coke can.
The deadliest trap can be hidden underneath a handsome man who was a “friend in school”, who has a great job, lots of money, and who sympathetically, “understands what you’re going through.”
Don’t fall for it.
Take it from someone who knows… who has taken the bait and fallen into Satan’s deadliest trap; the wages of sin is death. This is how Satan “innocently” disguises his traps to divide and conquer marriages.
By taking the adulterous bait of the Enemy of your soul, you unwittingly open up the door into the demonic realm. You have given Satan a foothold into your marriage and your life. When we give place to the Devil (See Ephesians 4:27) we make ourselves more vulnerable to every lying scheme Satan has planned to use against us.
Satan can begin to destroy the foundation of your marriage by creating division by getting you to become defensive when your spouse wonders why you seem distant. Or when you get angry when your spouse asks you why you are spending time on the Internet talking to an old high school sweetheart.
Satan is the “accuser of the brethren” and the “father of a lie.” “He only comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy.” “He roams about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” Read your Bible. Know your scheming enemy. The Word says, “We are not ignorant of his devices.” (2 Corinthians 2:11)
Satan is out to take you down and take you out, 24/7, 365 days a year. He never rests. He never sleeps.
Don’t fall for his trap.
When you “join yourself to a harlot” (that applies to any married man or woman in an adulterous affair) they become a part of you, and you them. Spiritually, they can be as deadly and hard to extricate and remove as a cancerous tumor. This is one life application of “The wages of sin is death.” When you, as a married woman or man, make that fateful choice to begin an inappropriate "friendship" with someone who is obviously not your spouse, you place yourself out on the edge of that slippery slope known as Adultery.
You may think you are just having some “harmless conversations” with an old friend or high school sweetheart. But by entering into this first phase of an adulterous affair, you have caused division in your marriage and have opened the door for your old friend to become your ‘Confidant.’
You’ll then stop talking to your husband or wife about your feelings and issues, and will turn to that “other man” or “other woman” for communication, for sympathy, for understanding, for comfort; for companionship.
Watch out.
This is exactly how my adulterous affair began.
And it has started this same way with millions of other people. A seemingly “innocent” or “harmless” friendship. Maybe it is with someone at work. A co-worker. Your boss. Someone “who understands what you’re going through.” Or it could be someone you met up with again on 'f_ce-book' or on the Internet.
Satan’s devices and snares have been carefully crafted to trap the weak. The lonely. The misunderstood. The neglected. Those who feel unloved, or unappreciated.
Those like you, and like me.
When you feel weak, unappreciated and misunderstood, this is the time for you and your spouse to draw near to the Lord together. And by so doing, you will draw closer to each other in the process.
“Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
The strongest marital bond is when husband and wife are bound together with Jesus Christ in a threefold cord. God’s Word says the threefold cord is not quickly or easily broken.
But it’s not unbreakable.
If you choose to walk away from Christ, and push your spouse away, choosing instead to make the “other man” or the “other woman” your new soul mate; you can break the threefold cord.
But take it from me—please hear my story; there will be consequences, and they will be far-reaching.
This is life or death.
“The wages of sin is death.”
